*knocks on screen* Remember me? Yep, I may just be one of the worst bloggers, ever. I can't believe it's been 6 months since I last posted! How is that even possible? I even have a Blogger app on my phone to make it easier--so much for relying on the app.
I have to admit, when I looked at the date of my last post, I giggled. Like literally. Why? Because it's just about the SAME time when I was asked to step up from being PSO Treasurer (think PTA) to PRESIDENT! Yep, that's me. From what I've heard from other mothers, being PTA/PTO/PSO President is a lot of hard work and it takes a lot of time. But what I've learned is that being the president the first year of the organization's history in a charter school that just started it's second year is beyond time consuming! Now, don't think I'm complaining, I'm not. I'm soooo not. I am beyond grateful for this opportunity and actually enjoy every hour I spend at the school and at home on the phone/computer. I'm just stating a fact. It takes a lot of time, time away from other focuses.
So, maybe I'm not the worst Blogger. I've been legit busy, but I could have possibly snuck a post in here and there the last few months, right? Maybe? Was I that busy? Based on friend's reactions, I guess I was.
Now, down to business--weight loss business. I was doing pretty good this year, despite the relocation to a new school, town, house, etc. The scale said I was, although I felt that I was eating whatever I pretty much wanted. I really was doing well as I look back. For two months over the summer, I didn't eat any man made carbs, and it felt fabulous! But the weirdest thing happened, and I'm still analysing it to understand the, why?
Around early autumn I learned something that took me by surprise. I needed to get new pants, the size I was wearing was 18. So when I went to the store, I tried on 18s and they were HUGE. So I tried on 16s, still huge. I finally realized I'm actually a size 14. I looked at myself in the mirror. Like really. Looked. At. Myself. And I discovered I saw myself much heavier than I actually was. It was a real eye opener.
Then, do you know what happened?
After being excited over this new reality, the holidays kicked in. And you know what I did? I ate. Like, really ate. Like, pretty much anything that was in front of me, I ate--no restraint whatsoever. In the back of my subconscious mind--at the place where you think you are in control, but really, you aren't--I found myself saying, "You've done well. You've pretty much eaten what you like all year and you've maintained. Eat this. Eat that. You'll be okay."
So I did.
What kind of crazy talk is that?! It's like the whole devil on one shoulder with the angel on the other. In my case, I swear my devil took out my angel with a huge cream puff grenade, because she was nowhere to be found. She's been mute. During the season starting with Halloween, I just ate whatever was there because "I was size 14." I swear I'm insane. When I feel heavy, I tend to eat less. But as soon as I feel like I'm in control, I soon find myself going out of control.
So, here I am at the end of 2012 and I'm not sure what goals to make. Or if I should even make any since it's such a great opportunity for sabotage. Maybe I should go in half effort to fool myself into doing better. I don't know. After 30+ years of playing this game, I'm tired and I think that weight control, for some, is literally something that can put you in the loony bin. I know what it takes. I know it's not complicated. I know I have the ability to do it. So how is it that I'm ending this year "fluffy" as ever?
All I can say is this, and I make no promises, but I have one year until I'm 40. One. And I'll be darned if I begin the next decade of my life unhappy with the way I look, but mostly with the way I feel. I want to shop and have a closet filled with cute clothes, not with old familiars that are faded and getting holey because "I don't want to buy big clothes when I'm just about to get smaller." I want to feel cute. I've had 4 kids, and I've forgiven myself for not looking my best, I've allowed myself to be in "progress." I have no excuse now. My baby is about to start school and I have run out of excuses. It's all me. Now, I just need to get my focus in check, and make 2013 the year I stop the insanity. I'm seriously tired of being a yo-yo. I'm seriously tired of this game. You probably think I've gone insane. Maybe I have? I want to focus on something else.
